Facts

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Tue, 18 Jun 2013 22:30:28 -0600

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Tue, 18 Jun 2013 18:01:37 -0600

arse-moriendi

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 12:01:45 -0600

arse-moriendi

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Tue, 18 Jun 2013 06:02:05 -0600

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Mon, 17 Jun 2013 23:59:30 -0600

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Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:01:54 -0600

Zen and the Art of Torture

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:17:02 -0600

Zen and the Art of Torture:

It’s not often you hear someone say, “Go warm up my eyeball prod,” so enjoy it while you can on this week’s Snail Factory!

8-tec: facts-i-just-made-up: Xbox One Controller Features...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 14:35:48 -0600

8-tec:

facts-i-just-made-up:

Xbox One Controller Features Biometric Security

In an attempt to quell the bad publicity generated by certain E3 announcements, Microsoft has announced a second round of features for the Xbox One, starting with its controller.

Most technologically advanced of these features are the biometrics. Both thumbsticks feature fingerprint readers that can instantly recognize the player. This will not only allow users to sign in with a simple touch, but for the system to deny access to unregistered players who haven’t paid the guest charge.

Pretty high tech stuff, but not the centerpiece of the new controller when it comes to functionality. The “Impulse Trigger” rumble motors will provide a new level of depth to gameplay. While the concept of a rumble pack goes all the way back to StarFox 64, the new Impulse system goes farther than any system to date to become one with the player. The trigger buttons both feature several tiny needles that (painlessly) penetrate the player’s fingers to deliver intense (painful) electrical shocks, while simultaneously sampling DNA and minor changes in blood chemistry that will let the game change to better fit the mood and, says Microsoft, even the ethnicity of the player.

“We at Microsoft feel that the best Xbox games should be reserved only for the Aryan race,” said spokesman Francis Sham, “As most games will prove too demanding for degenerate bloodlines or “Mudbloods” as we call them, the controller will deny them access to most of our early releases. We still intend to cater to these audiences of course, and will be releasing games designed for them down the road that have been simplified for their inferior minds.

Though this biometric system will be included in all Xbox One controllers, the modifications will prove costly so all previously ordered consoles will be shipped without any controllers, which will be sold separately for $299 each. The consoles won’t work without them and Microsoft is only manufacturing 700 in time for the release, so order yours today!

“to deny access to unregistered players who haven’t paid the guest charge”

you have to fucking pay to just be a guest that is just asinine!

That’s not even the half of it. The guest charge isn’t billed to you, the recognition software actually figures out who you are and deducts it straight from your bank. So basically you can just be in the same room as people playing Xbox One and automatically lose money.

The billing rate is apparently $4.99/half hour with an added “Happy hour” charge of $12.99 if the system detects that you’re having fun.

The suggested course of action by the NSA (Which is investigating the legality of Microsoft’s plans) is to simply shun anyone who buys an Xbox One, don’t go to their houses at all, don’t even speak to anyone who buys one of these things and protect your family from the facial recognition scanners. From the official statement by NSA Spokesman Kevin Dodson, “Just lock up yo kids, yo wife, and yo husband cause they scanning everyone out there.”

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Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:01:25 -0600

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Mon, 17 Jun 2013 06:02:12 -0600

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Sun, 16 Jun 2013 23:28:03 -0600

Xbox One Controller Features Biometric Security In an attempt to...

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 23:14:22 -0600

Xbox One Controller Features Biometric Security

In an attempt to quell the bad publicity generated by certain E3 announcements, Microsoft has announced a second round of features for the Xbox One, starting with its controller.

Most technologically advanced of these features are the biometrics. Both thumbsticks feature fingerprint readers that can instantly recognize the player. This will not only allow users to sign in with a simple touch, but for the system to deny access to unregistered players who haven’t paid the guest charge.

Pretty high tech stuff, but not the centerpiece of the new controller when it comes to functionality. The “Impulse Trigger” rumble motors will provide a new level of depth to gameplay. While the concept of a rumble pack goes all the way back to StarFox 64, the new Impulse system goes farther than any system to date to become one with the player. The trigger buttons both feature several tiny needles that (painlessly) penetrate the player’s fingers to deliver intense (painful) electrical shocks, while simultaneously sampling DNA and minor changes in blood chemistry that will let the game change to better fit the mood and, says Microsoft, even the ethnicity of the player.

“We at Microsoft feel that the best Xbox games should be reserved only for the Aryan race,” said spokesman Francis Sham, “As most games will prove too demanding for degenerate bloodlines or “Mudbloods” as we call them, the controller will deny them access to most of our early releases. We still intend to cater to these audiences of course, and will be releasing games designed for them down the road that have been simplified for their inferior minds.

Though this biometric system will be included in all Xbox One controllers, the modifications will prove costly so all previously ordered consoles will be shipped without any controllers, which will be sold separately for $299 each. The consoles won’t work without them and Microsoft is only manufacturing 700 in time for the release, so order yours today!

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Sun, 16 Jun 2013 18:01:35 -0600

Yom Kippur celebrations in New Zealand changed significantly in...

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 14:45:54 -0600

Yom Kippur celebrations in New Zealand changed significantly in 2001. In addition to new variants of the Tallit to include chain mail, the traditional Sukkah also became far more permanent and well constructed than the temporary structure erected around the world:

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Sun, 16 Jun 2013 12:01:27 -0600

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Sun, 16 Jun 2013 06:01:57 -0600

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Sat, 15 Jun 2013 23:59:35 -0600

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Sat, 15 Jun 2013 23:17:24 -0600

What if I expose my Diaboloodle to a Fire Stone?

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 21:16:20 -0600

That should give you a Beelzeboodle. Great attack stats but x2 weak to Methodist types.

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Sat, 15 Jun 2013 18:01:42 -0600