The True Cost Of The Vegan Lifestyle:
A mother carrot receives a final embrace from her daughter. Moments earlier, they were growing downward together in a garden. Carrots can grow up to 3 feet deep when left alone, one of the largest and most intelligent vegetables in the world. They’re also one of the few root vegetables to live in herds and known to protect their young.
Of course they’re no match for humankind. These carrots were torn from their earthen home by a human “Vegan”, a person who eats only vegetables. Sensitive readers should stop here.
Once a vegan picks vegetables, there is no hope for escape. In all the records of history, there is no known instance of a vegan allowing their vegetables to go back into the ground. No record of mercy. While rabbits, the carrot’s natural predator, will only consume fully grown specimens, humans are not so kind. For these carrots, there is no hope.
Generally, a vegan will begin by cutting off the carrot’s stalk. This kills the carrot. But not quickly. It takes a carrot up to a month to die after its means of consumption have been painfully severed. But the vegan will prolong this agony by sticking the carrot in a refrigerator. Soon after the photo above was taken, that’s what happened here. They were thrown into a section of the vegetarian fridge called a “Crisper” where the mother and daughter began their long journey to the end. They watched each other grow dry and cold, lethargic. The mother could do nothing to save her daughter, nor to save her from seeing her mother taken away when the time came. Herbivores don’t care, they don’t even think about that condemnation. It’s all just ‘food’ to them.
The mother was cut into slices. Literally, the vegan will generally take a large knife and cut the carrot over and over until there are nothing but thin, cylindrical slices left. The carrot retains full consciousness through the process and into the next- Boiling. That’s right, the slices are thrown into a pot of boiling water, scalding their tissue until it’s tender. That’s how vegans like it, though some have been known to devour the poor things raw, even unwashed. Others prefer to use a special blade called a ‘peeler’ to flay off their skin, before they’re eaten fresh. This is the favored method for Baby Carrots. Vegans eat those too.
So that’s where it ends for the family you see here. Tortured and devoured. Nobody stood up for them. There is no activist group in America even trying to stop it. They have no voice to defend them. They are in fact ‘farmed’ by human beings, they live only to watch their loved ones die, and then to die themselves. So take a good long look at this photo. Share it with everyone you know.
This is what vegans destroy. Never forget that. Never forgive it.
Genetically Modified Berry compared to Organic Berry:
Note that the modified specimen is bloated to about 3 times the mass of the common berry. Advanced rot has set in prior to maturity and tests revealed 78% more lactic acid in the modified organism.
Upon contact with the modified berry, the picker’s hands exhibited a rash which is clearly visible on the fingers and should not be mistaken for juice stains acquired during picking. While the common berry, of course, has no ill effects on the skin, the modified organism had an effect similar to poison oak and swelling set in shortly after the photo was taken. The discoloration and pain lasted approximately 12 hours with treatment including Neosporin and Syrup of Ipecac.
At 16 hours the specimen went missing and could not be monitored for decay rates. While the common berry remained, the modified berry was spotted the next Tuesday at the corner of Wallace and 12th St. Having grown another meter and a half, the genetically modified berry murdered two prostitutes and became the target of a cross country manhunt. It was last seen on February 20th in Boulder, CO where it has joined with several bananas from the Monsanto corporation and stolen at least two shotguns from the Boulder Police Department.
A manifesto was released online suggesting that the berries intend to strike at our nurseries, killing our young and replacing them with further modified organisms which we will raise as our own. They also intend to “free their enslaved brothers” by treating common fruits and possibly vegetables with mutagens.
The head of the FDA could not be reached for comment as he has gone missing. Only a glass of unidentified red fluid was found in his office, labeled “Extra Pulp”.
Since when did facts-i-just-made-up write SCPs?
Since 1987 when, after years of fruitless facting that yielded not a single follower, I decided to sell my soul in whatever way I must to gain followers.
Naturally, my first choice was to sell my soul to Satan. I began to study Crowley and LaVey, Agrippa, Paracelsus, all the usual suspects. None revealed a means to contact the devil. Until that is, I found an odd book in one of my usual bookstore haunts. It wasn’t in the occult section, it had been filed in history. A little leatherbound duodecimo called “The Order of Glass”. It sounded fun and it was just under $7 so I bought it and dug in.
The text was miniscule and nigh illegible but what really caught me were the illustrations. Occult sigils and symbols like the Key of Solomon or any other grimoire. Cool stuff, so I read the text right around it with a magnifying glass. One of the pages depicted a sickeningly distorted face. Beneath it was, in plain English, a summoning spell. One only had to paint the face on a wall, douse it with milk, and recite a simple phrase, “Maloso vobiscum et cum spiritum”.
It was so simple I figured I’d give it a shot. I painted the horrifying visage, threw the milk and said the words. To my shock and despair, a being appeared before me. I was scared to the end of my wits, I hadn’t drawn a protective circle nor for that matter did I really believe that deeply in what I was doing, long since had it degenerated into an amusing hobby. But there it was before me, ten mouths, five horns, sixteen eyes and an utterly tasteless Gucci cardigan.
Thankfully the being was benign. It asked me clearly, in English, what I wanted. Remembering my old useless blog, I asked for followers. Thousands of them. The being laughed. “You have no followers,” it gurgled, “Because Tumblr won’t exist until 2006.” The truth of it hit me, it was all so clear! Back in those days before internet it was impossible for anyone to follow my fact blog, which had in all honesty been scrawled onto napkins which I then threw away.
Long story short, I am why Tumblr exists. I called it into being with the help of that ancient demon just to get followers. And now, with 22,222 of them, I can no longer claim my wishes are not granted. That’s the scary bit you see- Nothing comes free from the underworld. I had to make a promise to get what I wanted. A sacrifice. And to justify such a feat, I had to offer a gigantic sacrifice. Specifically, 22,222 souls.
And so we come to it: I promised the demon yours. All my followers. All my friends. You can feel the sulphur demons now, touching the back of your neck with their primordial ether fingertips. Caressing forth the soul out of the back of your spine. You were always destined to meet the fate to which I condemned you. They have waited decades for tonight.
“SCP” means creepypasta right? Because if it doesn’t I just wasted 10 minutes.
Genetically Modified Berry compared to Organic Berry:
Note that the modified specimen is bloated to about 3 times the mass of the common berry. Advanced rot has set in prior to maturity and tests revealed 78% more lactic acid in the modified organism.
Upon contact with the modified berry, the picker’s hands exhibited a rash which is clearly visible on the fingers and should not be mistaken for juice stains acquired during picking. While the common berry, of course, has no ill effects on the skin, the modified organism had an effect similar to poison oak and swelling set in shortly after the photo was taken. The discoloration and pain lasted approximately 12 hours with treatment including Neosporin and Syrup of Ipecac.
At 16 hours the specimen went missing and could not be monitored for decay rates. While the common berry remained, the modified berry was spotted the next Tuesday at the corner of Wallace and 12th St. Having grown another meter and a half, the genetically modified berry murdered two prostitutes and became the target of a cross country manhunt. It was last seen on February 20th in Boulder, CO where it has joined with several bananas from the Monsanto corporation and stolen at least two shotguns from the Boulder Police Department.
A manifesto was released online suggesting that the berries intend to strike at our nurseries, killing our young and replacing them with further modified organisms which we will raise as our own. They also intend to “free their enslaved brothers” by treating common fruits and possibly vegetables with mutagens.
The head of the FDA could not be reached for comment as he has gone missing. Only a glass of unidentified red fluid was found in his office, labeled “Extra Pulp”.
It’s a testament to the power of camouflage in nature that the Chameleon, center, is almost completely indistinguishable from the chicken nuggets to the left and right.
The Confecerat Chameleon pictured here has a couple special tricks beyond those of the common or “Kama” Chameleon, including the ability choose specific elements of its surroundings. While most chameleons would simply mimic the color of the fries beneath it, the Confecerat is able to note the similarity in size and form of the nuggets and duplicate them for added invisibility.
The Confecerat is also able to alter its texture as well as color, the chromatophores in its skin being able to bloat and shape themselves for better mimicry. Most impressively, the specimen pictured was also able to alter its flavor, as noted by our hungry researcher, to taste exactly like chicken as well. Jerry was unaware he’d eaten the poor thing until he tried to return it to the pet shop.
R.I.P. Martia, 2009-2013
