And once for the day crowd… Here are a few belated facts about the Impending Pontiff:
Pope Francis was born “Jose Mario Bergoglio” in Fungoregno in 1936. During his delivery, the stork was thrown off course and landed on an island of colorful dinosaurs who helped him find his way back home, protecting him from the island’s many dangerous and oddly squishy enemies and obstacles.
Reunited with his parents and brother Jose Luigi, Bergoglio joined the priesthood in 1958, and decided to be come a Jesuit. Jesuits are a distinct sect of Catholicism that maintains Jesus appeared to the Native Americans after his crucifixion in 33 A.D. Not allowed to drink tea, coffee or alcohol, Jesuits are known as a strongly evangelical and particularly devout people. They cannot drink wine so their communion ritual involves kumquat juice as a substitute.
In 1972, he first met Francis Ford Coppola, whose name he would take upon becoming pope. Coppola had just completed “The Godfather”, a Catholic allegory about the assassination of Pope John Paul I in 1978 which inspired Bergoglio to run for Pope for the first time in 1969. Though his bid was unsuccessful, it didn’t go unnoticed by other clergy who found him an intriguing Rubicon Insider.
As the decades changed and 1990 signaled the end of the Catholic year of the Rooster, Bergoglio published his first novel, “Reflexiones de Esperanza” (German for “Reflections of Esperanza”) which followed the erotic adventures of Esperanza Johnson as she visited a strange Italian villa populated by pimps and lunatics in a bizarre Alice in Wonderland styled fable. It was adapted into a film by Roman Polanski, who called working with Bergoglio “A highlight of his career” and adopted several habits of Catholic priests shortly after.
In 1994, Bergoglio was helping a man with a flat tire when the man’s wife kidnapped him and tied him to a chair. Believing him to be one of her torturers during the Argentinian period of state terrorism, she beat him and demanded he confess until her husband managed to prove his alibi. Some witnesses claim he had actually confessed to torturing the woman, but in the end the witnesses were deemed unreliable and the resolution to the event is considered “disappointingly ambiguous” by many, including Roger Ebert and Pauline Kael.
By the late 90s, book collecting had become his obsession. He managed to own all three surviving copies of De Umbrarum Regni Novem Portis by seventeenth-century author Aristide Torchia. Some critics believe he resorted to murder to acquire them. These allegations fell to the wayside in 2001 in favor of those regarding his involvement in 9/11. These allegations also proved baseless, though he has not yet commented on why he took flight lessons that summer, nor about his mysterious absence from the College of Cardinals on that day when he was scheduled to take two different midterms. After graduating from CoC, he attended post-graduate school at UCLA where he majored in Chemistry.
He was considered a strong contender for the Papacy alongside Cardinal Ratzinger after the death of Pope John Paul, but lost popularity upon declaring that if elected he would take the papal name “Pope George Ringo” which several other cardinals found to be in poor taste considering that The Beatles were themselves the only thing acknowledged by the Vatican to have been bigger than Jesus. And so he bided his time, and his patience paid off.
Today, we all welcome the newly crowned Pope Francis, who is sure to be absolutely nothing like the last 265 popes in his homophobic rants, overpopulation inducing lies, inane declarations about irrelevant ecclesiastical minutia and protection of the child rapists who comprise his clergy. We at FIJMU all wish him the best, and look forward to his death so we can make shit up about the next man.
Cuz let’s face it, it’s obviously not gonna be a woman.
We have a New Pope, ladies and gentlemen, et al!
Here are a few facts about the Impending Pontiff:
Pope Francis was born “Jose Mario Bergoglio” in Fungoregno in 1936. During his delivery, the stork was thrown off course and landed on an island of colorful dinosaurs who helped him find his way back home, protecting him from the island’s many dangerous and oddly squishy enemies and obstacles.
Reunited with his parents and brother Jose Luigi, Bergoglio joined the priesthood in 1958, and decided to be come a Jesuit. Jesuits are a distinct sect of Catholicism that maintains Jesus appeared to the Native Americans after his crucifixion in 33 A.D. Not allowed to drink tea, coffee or alcohol, Jesuits are known as a strongly evangelical and particularly devout people. They cannot drink wine so their communion ritual involves kumquat juice as a substitute.
In 1972, he first met Francis Ford Coppola, whose name he would take upon becoming pope. Coppola had just completed “The Godfather”, a Catholic allegory about the assassination of Pope John Paul I in 1978 which inspired Bergoglio to run for Pope for the first time in 1969. Though his bid was unsuccessful, it didn’t go unnoticed by other clergy who found him an intriguing Rubicon Insider.
As the decades changed and 1990 signaled the end of the Catholic year of the Rooster, Bergoglio published his first novel, “Reflexiones de Esperanza” (German for “Reflections of Esperanza”) which followed the erotic adventures of Esperanza Johnson as she visited a strange Italian villa populated by pimps and lunatics in a bizarre Alice in Wonderland styled fable. It was adapted into a film by Roman Polanski, who called working with Bergoglio “A highlight of his career” and adopted several habits of Catholic priests shortly after.
In 1994, Bergoglio was helping a man with a flat tire when the man’s wife kidnapped him and tied him to a chair. Believing him to be one of her torturers during the Argentinian period of state terrorism, she beat him and demanded he confess until her husband managed to prove his alibi. Some witnesses claim he had actually confessed to torturing the woman, but in the end the witnesses were deemed unreliable and the resolution to the event is considered “disappointingly ambiguous” by many, including Roger Ebert and Pauline Kael.
By the late 90s, book collecting had become his obsession. He managed to own all three surviving copies of De Umbrarum Regni Novem Portis by seventeenth-century author Aristide Torchia. Some critics believe he resorted to murder to acquire them. These allegations fell to the wayside in 2001 in favor of those regarding his involvement in 9/11. These allegations also proved baseless, though he has not yet commented on why he took flight lessons that summer, nor about his mysterious absence from the College of Cardinals on that day when he was scheduled to take two different midterms. After graduating from CoC, he attended post-graduate school at UCLA where he majored in Chemistry.
He was considered a strong contender for the Papacy alongside Cardinal Ratzinger after the death of Pope John Paul, but lost popularity upon declaring that if elected he would take the papal name “Pope George Ringo” which several other cardinals found to be in poor taste considering that The Beatles were themselves the only thing acknowledged by the Vatican to have been bigger than Jesus. And so he bided his time, and his patience paid off.
Today, we all welcome the newly crowned Pope Francis, who is sure to be absolutely nothing like the last 265 popes in his homophobic rants, overpopulation inducing lies, inane declarations about irrelevant ecclesiastical minutia and protection of the child rapists who comprise his clergy. We at FIJMU all wish him the best, and look forward to his death so we can make shit up about the next man.
Cuz let’s face it, it’s obviously not gonna be a woman.
Most of the criticism of New Super Mario Bros. U has to do with the ultra-high resolution graphics. Though the HD image itself is not to blame and is often cited as the most photo-real Mario game to date, many feel the content benefited from lower resolutions obscuring the actual character designs, which are not to everyone’s taste.
